Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

When Leslie at Lights and Letters invited to me to participate in the Things I’m Afraid to Tell You movement, I was honored and overjoyed. What Leslie doesn’t know is that she is one of the main reasons I entered the blogging world. I met her and her husband back in 2006 in a Bradley Method Childbirth Class and was instantly in awe of her. She was so confident about herself and the kind of mother she was going to be, and I admired that. She always had a smile on her face and quite honestly, I felt more relaxed in her presence. She shared her blog with everyone in the childbirth class, and I’ve been following her ever since. I don’t have a lot of strong female role models in my life, and I consider Leslie one of them.

Thank you, Leslie, for helping me experience one of my dreams. If blogging never takes me any further than typing words here on my own site, I am happy. I have always enjoyed writing, and blogging has allowed me to experience how much happiness writing brings me. I hope that one day my writing can inspire or entertain others, but for now, I am fulfilled.

Okay, that’s a lie! I need to let it all hang out here! I DO want my writing to go further than this blog. I am afraid to say that. I am afraid I’m not good enough, and perhaps I’m not. I need to perfect my craft and now that my children are getting older, I’m trying to write more frequently. I guess you can call this reveal #1. I want to be a writer. I want to publish my work.

Before I go further, I would like to explain the origin of this post. It was initiated by Jess Constable at Make Under My Life and little did she know it would become a blog movement. Ez at Creature Comforts pushed this forward and I thank these women, as well as the countless others who are participating. I have never met these women, other than Leslie, yet  I feel solidarity with them.

I decided to title my blog Taking Off the Mask because I wanted to create a space where I could write and share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas that I might not normally share with people. With that being said, there are always things I refrain from speaking about. Today, I will join the movement and share some very personal things about myself.

2. Let me go back to Leslie for a moment. When I opened my email and saw the subject Things I’m Afraid to Tell You from Leslie, my heart stopped. I thought she was going to tell me I was being annoying and that she was going to unfriend me on Facebook and tell me I should stop following her blog. I thought- that’s it. I’ve done it. I’ve made too many comments on her sites. I’m being a nuisance. The truth is, I want to be liked by others. I want to be liked, but is my enthusiasm for people too much? Do people feel suffocated by me? Do I try too hard? Am I annoying? How can I find the right balance? I really feel like I’ve been struggling with this for some time. I don’t know what the solution is. Maybe I really should watch Oprah’s Life Classes. Perhaps she can help me.

3. I am envious of people who have best friends. I had best friends when I was growing up, and have a lot of wonderful friends today, but I do not have a female best friend. I feel silly writing this. My husband is my best friend and I am SO thankful for him. I can tell him anything, and he supports me in all ways possible. I know I am incredibly lucky to have him. Yet, I long for a female companion I can call or meet up with at a moment’s notice. Isn’t that what best friends do? I couldn’t watch Oprah’s Best Friends episode during her last season. I couldn’t stomach it. An entire audience of women with their best friends – it was a reminder to me that I am a failure of some sort.

Why have I mentioned Oprah twice now? Maybe I need to watch her Life Classes.

4. I don’t have a diamond wedding ring, but really want one, and am actually angry with myself that I even want one. When my husband and I got engaged back in 1999 I told him I did not want a diamond engagement ring. That was 100% true. I really did not want one. We were living in a teeny, tiny apartment and would pay for our wedding ourselves. We had many expenses and a ring was the last thing I needed. I am not very girly and had terrible eczema on my hands at the time. The last thing I also wanted, living and working in the city, was to walk around with an expensive ring on my finger. I was quite worried about being robbed. I have also had some concerns about the diamond industry and the treatment of people excavating for diamonds.

I thought for our ten year anniversary in 2010, that I would get a small diamond band, but life is filled with unexpected things and there were other finances that needed attention. The silly diamond ring needed to be moved to the back burner. And it really needs to stay there, because it is not something I physically need. It is a symbol and although it would be nice to have, I really do not need it. But I really do want one. Ugh!!!!!

5. I just mentioned eczema on my hands and must admit that for some time, I was addicted to prescription steroid creams. I can say that I have now been off steroid creams for a year and a half, but prior to me stopping, I was quite out of control. I learned to manipulate doctors to write me prescriptions. I’d go to my regular doctor for a prescription and he would give me one, and then I’d go to the dermatologist for one, and even the eye doctor – he would give me one. Two small drops of cream were to applied once a day. I was lathering the stuff all over me. I had a severe eczema problem and reached a point in my life where I couldn’t take it anymore. I have undergone an intensive treatment with homeopathy and have been eczema free for a year now. I cannot begin to explain how much homeopathy has improved my life.

5. I’ve written about my birth defect and surgery I’ve had to remove it here, but there’s not a day that goes by that I do not think about my defect and worry that it will grow back. I do not think it’s physically possible for it to grow back, but I imagine it will. I imagine I’l need surgery again, and the truth is, I never want to relive that experience.

6. Finally, I am a people person. When I meet new people, I put then up on a figurative pedestal and then they disappoint me. It is not their fault. It’s mine. My expectations of people are too high. I expect a lot from people and people have busy lives. I need to find balance. I am constantly striving for balance and feel I am getting there a little bit each and every day.

This is me- flaws and all. Dreams, ambitions, and silly thoughts. Striving to be a better person and hoping that in some way, my writing can influence others.

Please do not stop here, but continue reading on by following the movement of other women revealing their things that they are afraid to tell. Comments are greatly appreciated and mean more than a reader can know.

Jill at Terra Savvy | Erica at The Elbow | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters | Sarah at SAWK Photography

HISTORY: The very first one by Jess Constable inspired Ez to write her own and invite others to join her on Creature Comforts. Meg at Mimi + Meg started a second round.